By Kristina Fox
A lot of Jewish teens have experienced discrimination and alienation due to their cultural background. During my upbringing I was fortunate to never experience such scrutiny. The town I was raised in, Longmeadow, MA, is known in Western Massachusetts for having a large Jewish population, so growing up not only were many of my classmates Jewish, but almost everyone was very tolerable of differing religious practices. The only time my religious background was seen as a downfall was the summer before my freshmen year of college.
Being Jewish never defined who I was. It has always been a part of my identity but never a distinct topic in my conversations with casual acquaintances so when I started dating someone new in August of 2007, the subject of religion never came up until it was too late to casually mention. I fell for Kevin because of the way he made me feel like I was the best thing that ever happened to him and I never thought that anything I had no control over, like my religious background, would be something that would make him think differently of me. Kevin's anti -Semitic views never came up until we had already been seriously dating for about three months. As we continued to spend time together and talk about our lives, I slowly learned more and more about how strictly Catholic Kevin and his family were. Not only was his mom the head of the board of their church's social group, but they were also very strict about details such as us spending time alone in the same room and enforcing 21 year old Kevin's midnight curfew while he was home for the summer. These rules bothered Kevin even more than they bothered me but I was surprised to discover that Kevin held a lot of the same values as his parents. We would jokingly talk about our future of marriage and children and Kevin expressed his desire to settle down very soon and to ultimately have 7-8 kids, something that was definitely not in my plans. I don’t know why but something about hearing these things come out of Kevin’s mouth made me disregard my feelings and desires. All I wanted to do was be with him and the longer we continued dating, the more uncomfortable I became with the idea of telling him about my religion or even revealing it at all. I knew that hiding a part of who I was was silly and that Kevin would like me regardless of my religion but something about his constant comments about Jews being cheap and inferior held me back and six months into our relationship, Kevin still didn't know that I was Jewish.
The day Kevin found out I was Jewish was ironically two days before Christmas. My parents were out of town and everyone was home for Winter break so I decided to have a get together at my house. My friend from college came to visit and we thought it would be cute to buy fuzzy Santa hats to wear to the party. I was standing in a circle of people including Kevin when a friend from high school snatched my hat off of my head. When I protested she answered "You’re Jewish, you don't even believe in Santa Claus." These seemingly harmless joking words caused Kevin's jaw to drop. I sucked my breath in quickly and watched for his reaction. "What?" he responded giving me a confused look. My friend from high school didn't realize that it was supposed to be a secret so she gave Kevin an equally confused look and said "Krissy's Jewish", as if it were obvious. With raised eye brows Kevin looked at me and said "I look at her totally differently now." "Are you kidding me Kevin?" I responded. He shrugged it off and said he was just kidding but he didn't let it go, repeatedly asking me if it were true and when I said it was saying, "I cant believe you're Jewish."
He asked me at least five other times that night if I was really Jewish and every time I told him yes he would say something like "I can't believe my girlfriend is Jewish"
or "That's so weird". He comments made me more and more angry but at the same time I was scared. I didn't want things to change in our relationship but I knew in some way they would. I couldn’t express my concern to anyone because I knew how stupid I would sound. For some reason it didn't register with me that he should be the one feeling bad about how he was acting. After winter break I went back to college and my Judaism only came up in a major way one other time.
My cousins Bat Mitzvah was scheduled for March so in early February I asked Kevin if he would go with me as my date.
His response was "I don't even know what a Bat Mitzvah is."
I ignored his rudeness and tried to explain the tradition to him the best I could. "Did you do that?" He asked and I told him yes, even though I was still uncomfortable revealing the extent that Judaism was prevalent during my upbringing.
Kevin said he would go but that I would have to explain everything to him so it probably wouldn't be fun for me. I knew he didn't want to go but I still wanted him as my date for some reason. I had found a way to dismiss his short comings and I wanted to introduce him to my extended family so I ignored his bad attitude. I was learning who Kevin really was but disregarding all the signs pointing out that he was not the right guy for me. Ultimately I had a feeling that there was no way our relationship would make it to the actual day of the Bat Mitzvah and I turned out to be right.
I hung on to our relationship until the very last second and three weeks later, after a bitter fight over the phone, we ended things permanently.
Now that we are long since broken up I have replayed our relationship over and over in my head and analyzed it from top to bottom. I know that we didn't break up because I am Jewish and he is Catholic but Kevin’s unwillingness to even learn about my background and culture was a red flag that he would never want to learn anything else about what made me who I was. In a way, growing up Jewish prepared me for a life of learning about all types of different people and what makes them believe the things they do. As a minority, we are constantly having to explain what makes us who we are which in turns welcomes the reverse of learning about other peoples traditions and beliefs. I had never met anyone who had never met a Jew before I met Kevin and I wasn't prepared for the way he responded to our differences.
At times after we broke up I would analyze what made me the wrong girl for him and while being Jewish was definitely a step towards our un compatibility, I know deep down that I am just too open and he is too closed. If we had stayed together its possible that in a few years I would be a mother of seven Catholic children which is not the future I want. In the end I just can’t completely change who I am to be Kevin’s dream wife as much as I wanted to at times.
I learned an extraordinary amount from that experience. It is hard enough for Jewish people to feel pride in an environment where they are a minority, that I, having grown up somewhere where it was completely acceptable to practice Judaism, should have the strength to stand up for my culture. As Jews we have to be proud of the fact that most of us are very open and willing to learn about all types of people. Since we are always in some way fighting for acceptance and understanding we are hardwired to always give the same in return. From kindergarten we are taught that we have to challenge the prejudices that are thrown at us time and time again and we learn that so many people in the world feel a certain way about our without ever questioning why they feel that way. I missed out on my chance to change Kevin's way of thinking, but now I know the next time I am in a similar situation I will never meekly hide who I truly am.
Kristina Fox is a Campus Rep at Winthrop University |
